These self-sabotaging behaviours are often rooted in fear of closeness, abandonment, or feelings of unworthiness. Left unaddressed, they can create cycles of resentment and disconnection in a relationship.The good news is therapy can help people recognize and break these habits.
In this article, I will help you identify self-sabotaging behaviours in your relationships and provide actionable strategies to help you change them.
Best Services for You: Relationship and couple Counselling
Common behaviors that sabotage relationships
Thinking You’re Right All the Time
Always believing your perspective is right can make your partner feel dismissed and unimportant. Your partner also deserves to feel heard, understood, and valued. If their opinions are ignored, this leads to resentment and emotional distance over time.
Wanting to Control the Relationship
Making all the decisions and defining every aspect of the relationship without considering your partner’s input creates an imbalance. A healthy relationship is a partnership where both voices matter. Examples of power imbalance in a relationship include: Always deciding how time is spent , controlling finances, ignoring or dismissing their preferences.
Lack of Empathy
Not putting yourself in your partner’s shoes can lead to misunderstandings and emotional disconnection. Empathy allows for deeper connection and mutual understanding. Lack of empathy in a relationship includes: Dismissing your partner’s feelings, not recognizing when your partner is struggling, not trying to see things from their perspective .
Neglecting the Relationship
The relationship will suffer if quality time and emotional connection take a backseat to other responsibilities or distractions. Making time for each other strengthens the bond and prevents feelings of neglect.
Recommended article: how to have a healthy relationship
Avoiding Conflict and Not Expressing Yourself Effectively
When you avoid conflict and don’t express yourself effectively, you risk having your relationship needs going unmet. Over time this builds up resentment and contempt. In couples therapy, we can work on improving communication skills. This helps you express yourself in a healthy, assertive way that meets your needs without damaging the relationship.
Frequent Criticism and Withholding Appreciation
Constantly criticizing your partner without showing appreciation for them can lead to tension. Additionally, constant criticism can emotionally push your partner away. In therapy, we can help you identify and express appreciation and gratitude towards your partner, thus creating a positive cycle of giving and receiving.
Control and Manipulation
Controlling and manipulating the relationship can create a power struggle and leave your partner powerless and dissatisfied. In therapy, we can help you work through the underlying issues that drive this behaviour and develop healthier ways of relating to your partner.
Passive-Aggressive Behaviour
Resorting to indirect communication or passive-aggressive behaviour can lead to confusion and prevent effective conflict resolution. In therapy, we can help you develop direct communication skills and learn how to express anger and frustration healthily.
Refusing to Accept Influence
Rigidity, wanting to be right all the time, and inattentiveness to your partner’s request can create a power struggle and your partner’s dissatisfaction. In therapy, we can improve your emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and self-regulation skills to help you become more receptive to your partner’s influence and build a stronger, more satisfying relationship.
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How to handle a partner who is sabotaging the relationship?
Recognize the Pattern and Address It
If you notice recurring harmful behaviours, bring them up with your partner and ask if they have any insight into why they act this way. Awareness is the first step to change.
Encourage Therapy
If they acknowledge the issue, suggest they seek therapy individually or as a couple. A therapist can help them understand and break the pattern of sabotage.
Set Boundaries
You are not their therapist. If you’ve pointed it out multiple times and they are unwilling to change, the responsibility is theirs. You cannot force them to do the work.
Avoid Overcompensating
Don’t take on the burden of fixing the relationship alone. If they are unwilling to reflect and grow, no effort on your end can change that.
How to break the cycle of self-sabotage in a healthy relationship?
Identify Your Fears
Self-sabotage often stems from deep-seated fears and unresolved emotional wounds. Some common concerns that lead to sabotaging behaviours include:
- Fear of closeness – Worrying that getting too emotionally close will make you vulnerable or lead to disappointment.
- Fear of abandonment – Pushing your partner away before they can leave you, even if there’s no actual threat of abandonment.
- Fear of being controlled – Resisting compromise or rejecting your partner’s influence because you fear losing your independence.
- Feelings of unworthiness – Believing you don’t deserve a loving, healthy relationship, leading you to sabotage it unconsciously.
Get Individual Therapy
Talking to a therapist can help you understand self-sabotaging patterns and learn healthier ways to navigate your relationship.
Take Responsibility
Stop blaming your partner and take accountability for your actions. Acknowledging your role in the cycle is key to breaking it.
Get Couples Therapy
If both of you are committed to change, couples therapy can help address unhealthy patterns and build a stronger, healthier dynamic.
Conclusion
If you struggle with relationship-sabotaging behaviours, know you are not alone. You can learn how to overcome these challenges and build healthier, happier relationships with therapy. As a couples counselling practice in Ontario, we can support you on this journey. Contact us today or book a session to start your journey toward a better relationship.
FAQ
1. Am I self-sabotaging or not interested?
You might be self-sabotaging if you genuinely care about your partner but feel compelled to push them away, create unnecessary conflict, or doubt the relationship despite no real issues. You may not be interested if you feel emotionally detached, unmotivated to invest in the relationship, or indifferent about whether it continues.
2. What are self-sabotaging relationships with a man?
Self-sabotaging behaviours in relationships with men can include avoiding emotional vulnerability, testing their patience, pushing them away before they get too close, or not trusting their intentions based on past negative experiences.
3. Anxiety and self-sabotaging—are they connected?
Yes, anxiety can fuel self-sabotaging behaviours by making you overthink, fear rejection, or assume the worst in a relationship. This can lead to distancing yourself emotionally, picking fights, or doubting your partner’s intentions.
4. I sabotaged my relationship and regret it. What should I do?
Take responsibility, and communicate honestly with your partner. If the relationship is still salvageable, consider therapy to break self-sabotaging cycles and rebuild trust.
- Is overthinking self-sabotaging?
Yes, overthinking can be a form of self-sabotage. Constantly analyzing your partner’s actions, doubting their intentions, or assuming the worst can create unnecessary conflict and emotional distance
6. What does self-sabotage in dating look like?
Self-sabotage in dating can include avoiding emotional intimacy, overanalyzing everything, pushing people away before they get too close, or choosing unavailable partners. It may also involve excessive criticism, testing your partner’s commitment, or ending relationships out of fear of getting hurt.
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