Ontario Relationship Therapy

Welcome to our Ontario Relationship Therapy blog, where we explore the dynamics of healthy relationships and offer insights into overcoming relationship challenges. Are you being emotionally manipulated in your relationship? Emotional manipulation in relationships is a subtle, often insidious form of control one person exercises over another.

Manipulation happens when in a relationship, a partner tries to meet their relationship needs via indirect influence over another partner instead of being direct with their needs. Manipulation often comes from a need to be in control and get our way, but not overtly.

By recognizing the manipulation tactics below, you can reclaim your power and better understand your experiences, to prevent being manipulated and build healthier connections. Healthy relationships are built on trust and equality, where manipulation has no place. It’s about partnership, not power.

Manipulation Tactics

Guilt-tripping: This is a manipulative tactic that can have a significant negative impact on relationships. It occurs when one partner induces guilt in the other to control their actions or decisions. For instance, when one partner says, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t spend time with your friends and would stay home with me.” This statement makes the other person feel guilty for wanting to spend time outside the relationship, thereby manipulating their actions. Recognizing this tactic is vital to maintaining a healthy relationship.
Silent Treatment: This form of manipulation involves one partner ignoring or refusing to communicate with the other as punishment or control. For instance, after a disagreement, one partner might completely shut down communication, ignoring texts or calls, to exert power and evoke feelings of loneliness or desperation in the other.
Intimidation Through Anger: One partner uses displays of anger or aggression to scare the other into compliance. An example could be one partner yelling, slamming doors, or throwing objects during an argument, not necessarily to express frustration but to instill fear and compliance in their partner.
Contradictory Promises: This manipulative tactic involves making promises and later denying them, creating confusion and self-doubt in the partner. For example, one partner might promise to take the other on a vacation, then later act as if the conversation never happened, leading the other to question their memory or understanding of the situation.
Identity Erosion: A manipulator might gradually erode their partner’s sense of self, making them feel unlike themselves, insecure, or doubtful of their judgment. This could manifest in subtle criticisms, undermining the partner’s interests or achievements, or slowly isolating them from their support network, causing the individual to feel lost, insecure, and out of character.

Real-World Application:

What we sometimes see in our Ontario Relationship Therapy practice is, a person who was outgoing and confident before entering a relationship. Over time, their partner’s manipulative behaviours, such as constant criticism, isolation from friends, or unpredictable anger, started to erode their self-esteem. The individual might begin to decline social invitations, second-guess their decisions, or feel anxious about expressing their opinions. This shift from their former, more secure selves underscores the negative impact of emotional manipulation on an individual’s self-esteem and mental well-being.

Strategies to Counter Manipulation:

Develop an Observer’s Mindset: Detach and objectively observe manipulative patterns to identify and address them without being emotionally affected and overwhelmed.
Document Your Experiences: Journaling specific instances of manipulation can clarify patterns and provide a basis for effective discussion and resolution with your partner.
Communicate Openly: Your feelings and needs are valid. Engage in honest and open dialogue about your feelings and needs, reducing the chances of misunderstandings and manipulative behaviour. Your voice matters in your relationship.
Set Boundaries: Clearly defined and consistently upheld boundaries are essential in preventing manipulation and maintaining a healthy relationship dynamic.

Self-Assessment Questions for Manipulation

If you’re unsure whether you’re experiencing emotional manipulation in your relationship, reflecting on the following questions can provide insight. Remember, these questions are a starting point for self-reflection, not a definitive diagnosis of your relationship’s dynamics. If you find yourself answering ‘yes’ to multiple questions, it’s important to remember that you’re not alone. Seeking professional guidance can provide the support and reassurance you need to navigate these challenging dynamics.

Guilt-Tripping: Do you often feel guilty after interacting with your partner, even when you believe you haven’t done anything wrong? Does your partner frequently imply that you’re responsible for their happiness or well-being, making you feel obliged to comply with their wishes?
Feeling Powerless: Do you feel powerless in your relationship, as if your opinions, feelings, and desires hold no weight? Does your partner’s influence or behaviour leave you feeling like you have little to no control over decisions, discussions, or the direction of your relationship?
Unmet Needs Despite Communication: Have you communicated your needs to your partner and received assurances that they understand and will meet them, only to find that your needs still need to be addressed? Does this pattern make you feel invalidated or neglected within the relationship?
Silent Treatment: Does your partner ignore or refuse to speak to you after a disagreement? Do you find yourself excessively appeasing them to end the silence?
Intimidation Through Anger: Does your partner use anger or the threat of anger to influence your decisions or behaviour? Do you feel you’re walking on eggshells to avoid triggering their anger?
Contradictory Promises: Has your partner ever made promises to you and acted as if they never made promises, leaving you confused or questioning your memory?
Identity Erosion: Have you lost a sense of who you are or what you value since entering the relationship? Does your partner criticize or undermine your interests, opinions, or contributions, making you less confident?
Listening and Respect: Does your partner actively listen to your thoughts and feelings, or do they dismiss or overlook your input? Do you feel respected in the relationship?
Decision-Making: Are decisions in the relationship made jointly, considering both partners’ needs and preferences, or does your partner predominantly make decisions without your input?
Appreciation: Do you feel appreciated by your partner for who you are and what you contribute to the relationship, or do you often feel taken for granted?