A trauma bond with a narcissistic partner usually starts as a regular relationship. You were seeing someone, felt attended to and desired by them. So naturally, you developed an emotional bond with this person.
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What Is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding is an emotional attachment that forms between a victim and an abuser due to cycles of abuse followed by intermittent reinforcement of kindness or affection.
Example of a Trauma Bond in Relationships
A partner belittles, isolates, or controls you but also expresses love, apologies, or affection, creating an emotional dependence that makes it hard to leave.
How Does Trauma Bonding Happen in a Relationship?
Trauma bonding happens when an abusive relationship creates a strong emotional connection between the person being harmed and the one causing harm. It is a survival response where the brain clings to moments of love, care, or validation mixed with the hurt.
How to Recognize the Signs of Trauma Bonding
- Feeling stuck in the relationship despite the harm.
- Justifying or minimizing their behaviour.
- They withhold emotion and affection when they don’t get what they need from you.
- Holding onto the hope that they will change.
- Gaslighting: Making you question your reality and doubt yourself
- Conversations feel confusing and circular (word salad).
- Your needs and wants frequently don’t get attended to.
1. An Intense Emotional Connection To A Partner Can Put You At Risk Of Trauma-Bonding
What may feel different about a relationship that will turn into a trauma bond later is the overwhelming thrill and excitement that you initially feel. Initially, it feels like the “perfect” match and an intense connection. It feels like you finally found someone totally in tune with you. Someone who understands your vulnerabilities and is aligned with you (magically!) on key values. (Shall we say later you will find out that this person is a wolf in sheep’s clothing?)
Because of the intense emotional connection to this person, you get hooked. Your attachment system becomes hyper-activated. It’s like that first hit of a drug that gets you hooked and gives you immense joy and pleasure.
2. Sudden Emotional Withdrawal Marks The Start of The Trauma Bond
Here is when the trauma bond starts. All of a sudden you notice a shift. Maybe it started the day when your partner who would always give you a morning call, disappears for 8 hours. Or when your partner who would see you or talk to you every day, does not seem to reach out as much. You don’t know it but your attachment alarms are going off. Unconsciously the fear of abandonment and panic is setting in, pushing you to restore the sense of safety by pursuing him or her for more connection and closeness.
3. Chronic Emotional Invalidation And Gaslighting Keep You Trapped In A Trauma Bond
You may complain to your partner about the lack of closeness and attention. You may feel confused about why this is happening but be told that “everything is fine, we don’t need to talk all the time”.
So you start doubting or dismissing your feelings because you are told by the partner you trust, “all is good between us”. These responses make you think you are experiencing a false alarm, and that you are worried and confused for no reason.
You slowly start to accept the treatment as “normal” but you are still confused and in doubt about how you should feel about this. You continue the relationship but you are not happy inside and hurting. In reality, you are drowning and just trying to survive.
When one is unconsciously fearing abandonment by a partner, one will put up with a lot. In this case, whether you feel disrespected and hurt by your partner becomes secondary. This happens because you are fighting to meet your basic needs for emotional safety, security and connection.
Time goes by, and now you are getting used to their lack of emotional involvement, and you have lowered your expectations to keep the relationship going and intact. This means you are now in a trauma-bonded relationship with your partner.
What Are the Seven Stages of Trauma Bonding?
- Love Bombing – Overwhelming affection and attention make you feel special and deeply connected.
- Trust & Dependency – You start relying on them emotionally as they make themselves indispensable.
- Criticism and gaslighting undermine self–perception and make you doubt yourself.
- Manipulation & Control – They use guilt, shame, or fear to dictate your actions.
- Resignation & Submission – You comply to avoid conflict and abandonment, feeling emotionally drained.
- Loss of Self – Your confidence and identity weaken, making you feel trapped.
- Addiction to the Cycle – Occasional kindness keeps you hooked despite ongoing harm. The relationship starts intensely, with overwhelming affection, compliments, and attention. The abuser makes you feel like you’ve found your perfect match.
How Long Does It Take to Break a Trauma Bond?
Healing varies for each person but can take months or years. Steps include:
- No Contact or Low Contact.
- Therapy and emotional support.
- Rebuilding self-worth and safe relationships
FAQ
- Is trauma bonding the same as being in love?
No, trauma bonding is based on control and manipulation, while love is built on trust and respect.
- Can a trauma bond turn into a healthy relationship?
Rarely. Actual change requires the abusive person to take responsibility and commit to profound, lasting change.
- Why does it feel so hard to leave?
The cycle of abuse conditions the brain to crave validation, making it feel like an addiction. A survival mechanism triggered by emotional abuse, reinforcing attachment through fear, validation, and intermittent kindness.
- What’s the first step to healing?
Recognizing the cycle and seeking therapy support to break free.
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