How does trauma bonding happen: 3 Key Stages

A trauma bond with a narcissistic partner usually starts as a regular relationship. You were seeing someone, felt attended to and desired by them. So naturally, you developed an emotional bond with this person.

1. An Intense Emotional Connection To A Partner Can Put You At Risk Of Trauma-Bonding

What may feel different about a relationship that will turn into a trauma bond later is the overwhelming thrill and excitement that you initially feel. Initially, it feels like the “perfect” match and an intense connection. It feels like you finally found someone totally in tune with you. Someone who understands your vulnerabilities and is aligned with you (magically!) on key values. (Shall we say later you will find out that this person is a wolf in sheep’s clothing?)

Because of the intense emotional connection to this person, you get hooked. Your attachment system becomes hyper-activated. It’s like that first hit of a drug that gets you hooked and gives you immense joy and pleasure. 

2. Sudden Emotional Withdrawal Marks The Start of The Trauma Bond

Here is when the trauma bond starts. All of a sudden you notice a shift. Maybe it started the day when your partner who would always give you a morning call, disappears for 8 hours. Or when your partner who would see you or talk to you every day, does not seem to reach out as much. You don’t know it but your attachment alarms are going off. Unconsciously the fear of abandonment and panic is setting in, pushing you to restore the sense of safety by pursuing him or her for more connection and closeness.

3. Chronic Emotional Invalidation And Gaslighting Keep You Trapped In A Trauma Bond

You may complain to your partner about the lack of closeness and attention. You may feel confused about why this is happening but be told that “everything is fine, we don’t need to talk all the time”. 

So you start doubting or dismissing your feelings because you are told by the partner you trust, “all is good between us”. These responses make you think you are experiencing a false alarm, and that you are worried and confused for no reason. 

You slowly start to accept the treatment as “normal” but you are still confused and in doubt about how you should feel about this. You continue the relationship but you are not happy inside and hurting. In reality, you are drowning and just trying to survive. 

When one is unconsciously fearing abandonment by a partner, one will put up with a lot. In this case, whether you feel disrespected and hurt by your partner becomes secondary. This happens because you are fighting to meet your basic needs for emotional safety, security and connection. 

Time goes by, and now you are getting used to their lack of emotional involvement, and you have lowered your expectations to keep the relationship going and intact. This means you are now in a trauma-bonded relationship with your partner.