A big problem in couples who come for couples counselling is that both partners are speaking, but no one truly listens. As a partner, it’s frustrating when you’re trying to express yourself, and it’s met with misunderstandings and hurt feelings. But don’t worry; we have the solution for you. Here’s the no-nonsense guide about what causes communication problems in a relationship and how to improve communication with your spouse in your marriage.

Signs of Bad Communication

Here are the signs that indicate your relationship communication needs improvement: 

1. You may have difficulty understanding where your spouse is coming from.

2. You tend to react defensively instead of listening to them.

3. When emotions are high, things can quickly escalate into a full-blown argument. 

The good news is that these are not inherent flaws in your communication style. In couples counselling, you can improve these skills with a bit of guidance and practice.

Do all couples have trouble communicating?

It’s common for couples to experience difficulties when trying to merge their lives, especially when they come from different backgrounds with different vulnerabilities/sensitivities. Misunderstandings about each other’s needs and feelings can occur, and sometimes, people may hesitate to open up about their emotions. This can lead to moments where both parties may feel confused or unsure about the state of their relationship. However, it’s important to remember that such challenges are normal and can be overcome with patience and communication.

Reasons For Communication Failure

Invalidating Your Partner’s Feelings

Invalidation occurs when one partner dismisses or belittles the other’s feelings, making them feel misunderstood or unimportant. This can significantly damage the emotional connection between partners.

Example: Imagine your partner is upset because they feel you’re spending too much time at work and not enough with them. Responding, “You’re being too sensitive; my work is important,” dismisses their feelings. Instead, acknowledging their feelings by saying, “I understand you’re feeling neglected, and that wasn’t my intention. Let’s find a way to spend more quality time together,” validates their emotions and opens the door to finding a solution.

Getting Defensive and Angry

Defensiveness is a natural response to feeling attacked or criticized, but it can escalate conflicts instead of resolving them. Anger, similarly, can turn a productive discussion into a hurtful argument.

Example: Your partner points out that you forgot to do a household chore you promised to take care of. If your immediate reaction is, “Well, you never remember to do things I ask you either!” it deflects the issue and introduces unnecessary conflict. A more constructive response would be, “You’re right, I did forget, and I’m sorry. I’ll make sure to take care of it.”

Wanting to Be Right All the Time

The desire to “win” arguments can lead to a competitive rather than cooperative dynamic in a relationship. Insisting on being right often means ignoring your partner’s perspective and can erode trust and intimacy.

Example: Suppose you and your partner disagree on how to manage finances. You insist your budgeting method is the only correct approach, dismissing their suggestions without consideration. This can make your partner feel devalued and resistant to discussing financial matters openly. Instead, saying, “I see your point, and I think we could combine our approaches to manage our finances better,” promotes teamwork and respect.

Constant Interruptions

When one partner doesn’t let the other speak, it sends a message that their thoughts aren’t valued. Listening more and interrupting less can change the dynamic dramatically.

Avoiding/Postponing Tough Conversations

Dodging discussions about sensitive topics only leads to unresolved issues simmering beneath the surface. Facing these conversations head-on, though challenging, is vital for a healthy relationship. Approaching difficult subjects with openness and a willingness to find common ground can prevent minor issues from becoming insurmountable obstacles.

Passive-Aggressiveness

Passive-aggressive communication involves expressing negative feelings indirectly rather than openly addressing them. This can include sarcasm, backhanded compliments, or silent treatment, among other behaviours. For instance, if one partner is upset about the other coming home late, instead of directly expressing their feelings, they might say something like, “Oh, must be nice to come and go whenever you please,” using sarcasm to veil their displeasure. This approach muddies the waters of communication, as the real issue is obscured by indirect expressions of discontent, making it difficult for the other partner to address the problem effectively.

Effective communication in relationships requires empathy, openness, and the willingness to view conflicts as opportunities for growth rather than battles to win. By recognizing and working to avoid these common pitfalls, couples can strengthen their bond and navigate challenges more successfully.

How To Communicate Better With Your Spouse

Empathy is Key

Understanding your partner’s perspective is crucial. It’s about putting yourself in their shoes, really listening, and absorbing what they’re saying without immediately planning your response. Empathy bridges gaps and softens hearts, making opening up and sharing honestly easier.

Active Listening

This goes beyond just hearing words. Active listening involves engaging with your partner’s words, asking clarifying questions, and showing through body language that you’re fully present. It’s about making your partner feel seen and heard, which can transform conversations from frustrating to fruitful.

Managing Emotions

High-stress conversations can quickly escalate when emotions run the show. Regulating your feelings helps prevent overreactions and allows for calmer, more constructive discussions. Techniques like taking deep breaths, pausing before responding, and identifying the real root of your emotions can be game-changers.

Constructive Feedback

Sharing your thoughts and feelings in a way that’s helpful, not hurtful, is an art. It’s not about pointing fingers but expressing your needs and concerns so your partner can hear and understand without feeling attacked. Framing feedback as “I feel” statements rather than “You always” accusations can make all the difference.

Seeking Help When Needed

Sometimes, an outside perspective is what it takes to break through communication barriers. Whether reading up on strategies, attending workshops, or seeking counselling, getting help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Couples counselling can give you the tools to improve your communication skills and strengthen your relationship.

What if your spouse refuses couples counselling

Although attending couples counselling significantly improves communication cycles, even when one partner attends counselling, that can be beneficial. Suppose one partner learns to respond calmly and clearly express their feelings without getting defensive. In that case, this can have a positive impact on their partner and their partner’s consequent response to them. 

In Conclusion

Improving communication in your marriage doesn’t happen overnight, but it’s entirely possible with persistence, empathy, and learning the right strategies in couples counselling. Each point is a stepping stone towards a more understanding, connected, and fulfilling partnership. Remember, the goal isn’t to win arguments but to win back your partner’s heart, enhancing the love and respect between you.